I know the piano knows something I don't...

Having just spent the last half hour sitting in silence sifting through this mass hurricane mess in my brain, I find myself once again sitting at my desk with a glass of red wine and my fingers pounding away on the keyboard. I'm contemplating me, my life, where I am now and where I want to be. There's something about the future that is so thrilling that it scares the crap out of me. At this point of my life, I have come to the place where I am looking for direction. What do I want to do? Where do I see myself? Most importantly, who am I and where do I belong? I'm at this place where only I can figure out what I want. No one can make that decision for me. Clearly, others can influence me, but it is I and I alone who makes the final call. When it comes to that point where the ball is in your own hands, it's not the easiest to decide where to throw it. Especially when you're an over-thinker and over-achiever like myself. I have these dreams that are constantly on my mind. I see myself there in them, but it's like I'm stuck. Too afraid to throw the ball because I'm too afraid to fail. Yet at the same time there's so much I want to focus on and all are at different ends of the field. Where the heck do I start? They're all my passions and I eventually want to achieve them all, but when it comes in which direction to angle myself in, I'm lost. So here I am standing still, my future in my hands. Time is passing too fast and I am frozen. And that irritates the life out of me. So decision: I'm going to do it. I'm going to throw the ball. I'm going to step out and do something crazy, challenging. And if I fall on my arse, so be it. Decision made, just don't ask me my plan of action, because I still don't have a clue...

Look inside my head, it's nothing but red and the mess I've been.

Have you ever looked back at pictures of yourself and wondered what happened to that person? You see yourself, free and careless. Looking back, life just seemed so right. It seemed so perfect, yet you felt the need to change it. You needed something else to make it better and then it just gets so fucked up and you're in this place where you can't change anything. You're stuck and your past haunts you because you want to be the person that you were before, but you aren't anymore and you don't know how to get yourself back and you end up sitting in front of a computer venting to the keyboard with uncontrollable tears blurring the screen and writing incredibly horrible run-on sentences. Maybe that doesn't happen to anyone. Maybe I really am the far out lost person that I feel I am. I just know that somewhere in the past three months, I've lost myself and I don't know who I am. I look back and see how happy I was before I felt the desire to look for something more. I miss me and I hate the apathetic person that I've made myself. But I don't know how to change. Time is passing faster than I can handle and I just wish I could take back the moments that I wasted with a person who in the end didn't care for me as he led on that he did. Learn from the experience, they say. Don't look at it as a waste of time, look at it as a lesson....It's easier said than done. When your insides frikkin ache and your mind is drowning in your own pathetic pity and you don't know how to change because you truly have lost yourself , just forward motion seems impossible. When you run from yourself, "you" always seems to catch up with "you." So how does one win? How do you get through the fiery pain of re-finding yourself? Maybe it's as simple as standing face to face with the self that you can't bear to look at and trying to somehow find the real you in the empty soul staring back at you. Maybe it's impossible. Oh God! I hope I find the answer soon!

Who actually lives out their dreams now a days? As in full out pursuing exactly what we have always wanted to do, without hesitation? When we were children, we were full of dreams. Not only that, we made our dreams a reality. Loosing ourselves in the world of imagination, we could do anything. We could achieve the unachievable. All the adventures we could ever hope for were right there and we could stay there as long as we wanted. Nothing could stop us. We knew exactly what we wanted, who we wanted to be and in our minds, we became exactly that. There were no limits. The world was big, free and careless. There was no fear. Then, we grew up. And those dreams vanished.
As the years go on and we go from childhood to young adulthood, we are questioned by everyone about who we want to be and what we want to do with our future. Somehow even though we have the ability to become anything we could dream to be, we believe we can't be that. Somewhere along the line our dreams have been crushed. We've been told our dreams were too wild, that it wasn't reality and we couldn't live that way. So, we stop dreaming and settle for the next best thing. Never living to our full potential.
Seriously! What is stopping us from living out our dreams and why are we letting it? We are our own person. We dream the way we do for a reason and if it's not in anyway going to cause harm then heck, GO FOR IT! Be a kid again and dream. Let it just invade your mind and take over. Ride the clouds for a moment and just think of what you want. We only have one life. We can live it in fear of what might happen or what people may say or we can live it to the crazy full ideas that we have. Dig deep the treasure that you buried in the past and wipe off the dirt. Renew yourself and drink deep in the freedom that you have. Conquer the obstacles in your way and just dream. Just dream and live it out. With no fear, no regrets, like a child once again. Dream.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and screaming,

What the fuck?

When every thing I try to achieve or even do just blows right up in my face, the urge to "loose it" is way too present. Push. Pull. Tug. Toss. With force comes fury and tagging along not too far behind is destruction. What do you do when you feel like you've come to this place where you don't know what the heck you're doing? Or know who you are? Your inner core has darkened and all motion has come to a halt. You become numb. Your once desires seem mindless. Try as you might to break free, nothing seems to work. Every thought in your brain starts swimming, you can't grasp onto anything. Your chest is closing in on you and eating away at you at the same time. To think straight or even breathe makes you feel like you've conquered something. You look back to what you used to be like and see the strength and the passion inside of you. How did you come this far? How can one who knows who they are and what they want in life come to the point where they have no clue or motivation to even live?
These thoughts send the thinker plummeting down to the next level. Here darkness seems to be even darker and the air even thicker. The ground beneath you is sinking. Every wall you could grab onto has crumbled at your grasp. You are truly alone. Convinced that even if you scream for help that no one would hear, you drop down, hugging your knees. A shiver goes down your spine. Emptiness. That's all you feel. Lonely silence eats you alive. Even if help did come, hope has diminished. There's no use on going on.
Apathy has taken a hold over you.