Look inside my head, it's nothing but red and the mess I've been.

Have you ever looked back at pictures of yourself and wondered what happened to that person? You see yourself, free and careless. Looking back, life just seemed so right. It seemed so perfect, yet you felt the need to change it. You needed something else to make it better and then it just gets so fucked up and you're in this place where you can't change anything. You're stuck and your past haunts you because you want to be the person that you were before, but you aren't anymore and you don't know how to get yourself back and you end up sitting in front of a computer venting to the keyboard with uncontrollable tears blurring the screen and writing incredibly horrible run-on sentences. Maybe that doesn't happen to anyone. Maybe I really am the far out lost person that I feel I am. I just know that somewhere in the past three months, I've lost myself and I don't know who I am. I look back and see how happy I was before I felt the desire to look for something more. I miss me and I hate the apathetic person that I've made myself. But I don't know how to change. Time is passing faster than I can handle and I just wish I could take back the moments that I wasted with a person who in the end didn't care for me as he led on that he did. Learn from the experience, they say. Don't look at it as a waste of time, look at it as a lesson....It's easier said than done. When your insides frikkin ache and your mind is drowning in your own pathetic pity and you don't know how to change because you truly have lost yourself , just forward motion seems impossible. When you run from yourself, "you" always seems to catch up with "you." So how does one win? How do you get through the fiery pain of re-finding yourself? Maybe it's as simple as standing face to face with the self that you can't bear to look at and trying to somehow find the real you in the empty soul staring back at you. Maybe it's impossible. Oh God! I hope I find the answer soon!